Dealing With Agressive Behavior
Advice and Tips to Help Parents and Teachers Deal With Aggressive and Defiant Behavior in Children
We all want our homes and classrooms to run smoothly. When children behave aggressively, it creates stress for parents, teachers and children. Here's how to cope.
We all recognize the signs of aggressive and defiant behavior: hitting, pushing, yelling, name-calling, tantrums, refusal to cooperate and out of control reactions to situations. Whether the behavior is directed at another child or an adult, the result is often the same. The "victim" is hurt, frustrated or scared, and the aggressor is punished for his or her inappropriate behavior. Often, these are the children that inspire dread in others because they are so difficult to deal with. But it doesn't have to be that way. There are ways to cope with aggressive and defiant behavior in children that have a postive outcome for both you and the child.
It's the behavior, not the child
The most important thing to remember when dealing with aggression or defiance is that you are dealing with bad behavior, not a bad child. This is an important and difficult distinction to make. A child that chronically acts out and behaves inappropriately is often labeled as a bad child by schoolmates, teachers, and even his or her parents. The best way to approach a child who acts aggressively is to constantly remind yourself that this child is a person who is scared, frustrated, upset, and hurt but is unable to express it appropriately. The child is not bad, but the behavior is. Often, you can begin to see the child in a new light if you remind yourself of this distinction. They deserve a caring attitude from you as much as a well-behaved child does--and often they need it more.
A little praise goes a long way
Children with bad behavior aren't acting aggressively or inappropriately all the time. It is important for adults to recognize those time when these children are polite, quietly working, helpful or cooperative. Praise from adults is effective and is noticed by children with behavior issues. That doesn't mean inappropriate behavior is overlooked or that these children will respond to false praise. Find the good things these children are doing and acknowledge it--sincerely. Just as harsh words can hurt, caring words can help heal.
Staying clam is the hardest--and most important--thing you can do
It can be nearly impossible to stay calm when an angry, defiant child is pushing all your buttons, disobeying you at every turn and causing your blood pressure to rise. But it is extremely important when dealing with a child who doesn't know how to control his or her emotions. If you can't stay calm, find a way to remove yourself from the situation until you can. Count to ten, take deep breaths, or go into the other room and scream into a pillow. Whatever it takes for you to be the one in control, do it! You can even tell the child, "Your behavior right now is making me feel angry and I need to take a moment to cool off." Then come back to the child and the situation. Show that you are calm and able to deal with whatever behavior the child exhibits. This shows the child two things: that adults can get angry and upset, but don't lash out or act inappropriately and that using inappropriate behavior to frustrate or upset you won't work.
Anger is the easier emotion for a child to feel
Many children who act aggressive or defiant use anger to mask other feelings, such as sadness. As the adult, realize that this is a child that may be dealing with a scary or upsetting home life, an inability to make friends, or even a learning disability. The easiest way for many children to express other emotions is with anger because they haven't been taught how to act appropriately when they are sad or frustrated. Help children use words to express themselves and talk about upsetting situations after the child has calmed down.
Dealing with aggressive and defiant behavior in children can be stressful for adults. The important thing to remember is that this is a child who needs your help. Always remember that it is the behavior you don't like, not the child. And if the situation is beyond your control or expertise, contact a professional for help in dealing with that particular child.
