Overcoming Problems at School
How to help your child when he or she brings home a negative report about behavior, grades, social problems or learning difficulties
Every parent dreads hearing a negative report from the classroom teacher. It is often hard to avoid becoming upset at the child or taking the report personally. Even the most well behaved children can have a slipping grade, a daydreaming problem, or trouble with a classmate. Other children may have ongoing issues with lack of focus, bullying or attitude that need to be addressed.
Sometimes, even a great thing can be problematic. Hannah's son was extremely bright and advanced, and teachers and school staff recommended he be promoted or sent to a school for the gifted. Hannah balked at this idea. She says, "We investigated the gifted schools and were unimpressed, and socially I did not think he would do well leaving his friends and moving to a higher grade. We have worked with the teachers and principal every year to try and ensure he is sufficiently challenged and happy."
As Hannah's story shows, solving an issue at school often involves working with school staff. It also involves monitoring your child at home. You are your child's best advocate, and can help your child address the issue immediately in order to achieve success. It may take work, but with parents and schools working together with the child's best interests at heart, it is possible to turn a negative situation into a positive one.
Mom & Dad's Reaction
Often, children are more upset over how Mom and Dad will react when a problem occurs than they are about the actual report or problem itself. For this reason, try to make your reaction appropriate to the situation. If you are extremely angry or upset, take a break to cool off before sitting down to talk with your child. Don't let your child think he or she is off the hook, however! Simply say, "I am upset/angry about this and need a few moments to calm down. Let's discuss it before dinner/before bed, etc." Reassure your child that while you are upset about the bad report, you still love them and want to come up with a way to fix the problem that works well for both of you.
If your spouse or partner is struggling with the bad report or has a different view on how to solve the problem than you do, try to talk privately with him or her before you talk to your child. Even if you don't agree on a solution, you can discuss the issue calmly with your child after getting over the initial upsetting feelings.
Help at Home
Depending on the issue, the amount of work you and your child need to do at home will vary. If it is a schoolwork issue such as incomplete homework or difficulty in a certain subject area, the solution may involve checking homework every night or practicing spelling or math with your child on a regular basis. A good way to determine a solution to this type of problem is to follow these three steps:
- Sit down with your child and discuss the problem. Try to come up with a solution that both of you feel comfortable with: one that keep your child's needs and abilities in mind and also assures you that steps are being taken to deal with or fix the problem.
- Come up with a checklist that you and your child can follow to determine if goals are being met. Make sure a time frame is included so progress can be checked. For instance, a child who has difficulty completing homework may have a checklist that includes working on assignments for a certain amount of time, being allowed a reward when assignments are completed, and a system for making certain the work is actually handed to the teacher.
- Include your child's teacher or other appropriate school staff in your plans. As Hannah says, "Once I started treating this issue as a 'special needs' thing, meaning I wasn't about to quit and look for a different school, the teachers and principal were very willing to structure his day as needed and went out of their way to allow him to do special projects."
The Path to Success
For bigger issues, it might take more planning, more discussion, and even the addition of a counselor or other professional. This is true for things such as bullying, aggressive behavior, learning disabilities, and other issues. As scary as it is to address a seemingly small problem and discover a much bigger one lurking under the surface, the best approach is step by step. Working with your spouse or partner, your child, the teacher, and other professionals to break a large problem into manageable steps will help you and your child find the best solution.
Even though it is hard to hear that your child is struggling at school or having difficulty with a certain aspect of school, remember that everyone's goal (including your child's) is success. Whether that success means learning to socialize with her classmates or improving his spelling grade depends on the child. Helping the child get to that point-that depends on you, your child, and your child's school working together.
